Fear
I'm afraid of sharks. Big freakin' huge fish with giant teeth that swim just below the surface and when you have your back to them, they rise up out of the water and bite your head off. They're at home in the water, I'm not. Every once in a while I'll go and order shark if a resteraunt serves it, just so that I can say I ate one of them before they ate me.
I'm afraid of structure. I'm afraid that systems and rules and controls will kill my creativity. I'm afraid that conformity is the ultimate form of control and that if I submit to the authority of too many structures, I'll be one of the masses: faceless, nameless, and unimaginative.
I have given in to the structure of marriage because I love my wife, and to the structure of being a dad because I love my kids, but beyond that, there aren't too many structures I embrace.
I'm afraid of the future. Not the ultimate future, because I know God is waiting for me there, but the near future. I'm afraid of not finding work, of having to move my family back to Canada, of never being able to lead worship again. I'm afraid that I'll never do anything with the hundreds of songs I've written, or that I'll do the wrong thing with them. I'm afraid I won't be a good father or that I'll never be the perfect husband. I'm afraid of church and prison (I think they might have a lot in common.....).
Not that anyone cares, but here are some of the lyrics I wrote to a song called 'Afraid'. (c) 2004 Timothy Wrote This music (ASCAP)
I'm afraid to see the future, I'm afraid to see the past
I'm afraid to finish first and I'm afraid to finish last
I'm afraid you've told me lies and I'm afraid you've told the truth
But tonight I have decided I won't be afraid of you.
I'm afraid to take the credit, I'm afraid to take the blame
I'm afraid that things will change and I'm afraid they'll stay the same
That last line is my life right now. I guess I need God to drive out the fear. The bible says that 'perfect love drives out fear' and I need perfect love.
I'm afraid of structure. I'm afraid that systems and rules and controls will kill my creativity. I'm afraid that conformity is the ultimate form of control and that if I submit to the authority of too many structures, I'll be one of the masses: faceless, nameless, and unimaginative.
I have given in to the structure of marriage because I love my wife, and to the structure of being a dad because I love my kids, but beyond that, there aren't too many structures I embrace.
I'm afraid of the future. Not the ultimate future, because I know God is waiting for me there, but the near future. I'm afraid of not finding work, of having to move my family back to Canada, of never being able to lead worship again. I'm afraid that I'll never do anything with the hundreds of songs I've written, or that I'll do the wrong thing with them. I'm afraid I won't be a good father or that I'll never be the perfect husband. I'm afraid of church and prison (I think they might have a lot in common.....).
Not that anyone cares, but here are some of the lyrics I wrote to a song called 'Afraid'. (c) 2004 Timothy Wrote This music (ASCAP)
I'm afraid to see the future, I'm afraid to see the past
I'm afraid to finish first and I'm afraid to finish last
I'm afraid you've told me lies and I'm afraid you've told the truth
But tonight I have decided I won't be afraid of you.
I'm afraid to take the credit, I'm afraid to take the blame
I'm afraid that things will change and I'm afraid they'll stay the same
That last line is my life right now. I guess I need God to drive out the fear. The bible says that 'perfect love drives out fear' and I need perfect love.
posted by Timothy Dunfield at 10:29 PM
1 Comments:
Sunday night was a weird mix of emotions for me. On the one hand, I loved our gathering, and was very refreshed by being with everyone in our community. On the other hand, some of the things I heard about "stuff" that people think & do made me want to distance myself from all that is known as "the church" in our culture. What a weird conflicted night! Run to Father, I must.
And I hope we can come alongside you and help carry your fear.
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